up in the air

well what a week this has been all three of my girls got the chicken pox plus my dog (whom i was going to bred from) got a nasty infection and had to have her bits removed $$$$is all i see, well as long as she is ok.
Thens there my head, oh to change my brain my thought my worries, Things have been abit rough latly what with me and my hubby having to go bankrupt due to my spending when i am on a high and my family who we dnt talk to is making it hard threating to beat up me and my husband spreading rumours and making life horrible, i grew up inelson so there are alot of bad memories and bagague that i cant seem to avoid, So we are thining of moving to blenheim which i no will be very peacful and i have my inlaws there which means support from me but my hubby has such a good job where he is and we have a nice home grrr, im sitting on the fence and i dnt no which way to fall done the cons and pro and they all seem to fall dead equall???? Then theres the medication the 1.5 citalpram is great (i think) but the eplim keeps me awake so i take qutipene and that puts me to sleep but if i take it to late i cant wake up for the kids and if i take it to early i dnt get time with the hubby and im still feeling like im on the brink of a low just sitting there plus my anxoity is also playing up, every descion i make i fell scared it was the worng one. Sometime i wish someone would make the desions for me but then again that wouldnt work cause i wouldnt be in controll..... see my head a mess a jumble dont know weatheri am left or right grrrrr frastrated got so much to say...please talk to me on here i need some to talk to to vent or just to help someone yea well im going now before i turn into a big confused knotted mess lol
Take care all

head spinning

thanks guys for all your comments they have been so helpful to me today as i have been feeling a bit blah. scared im going down, My head is spinning so many things running though it, i wana talk to people close to me but i dnt want to burden them with my problems i dnt want to cause them any stress, i no they say they are there for me but still i get so anxious, i dnt wana make any friends as i am so scared to lose them so scared of being left again, no one ever seems to stick around,
i feel lost and lonely, even tho i have my husband, i still feel weird dnt no if that the word for it?
I thought i was going high last night my legs started shaking my heart was racing, and my mind started going, lucky it didnt eventuate into anything, Does any one out there have the same feelings? can you feel a mood change? normally i dnt but last night i did,
I have so much to say so much to ask and learn but that would take hours so i am going to stop writing now :) please leave a comment if you have something to say or ask or even just to vent. I created this blog so people who leave with these types of conditions can feel safe and talk and learn and just have some company with out feeling judged
Look forward to your replys

Hope

getting things out in the open!!

first of i am new to this blog thing but i am quite excited, I am a 23yr old mother to three beautiful girls.. and at this point and time i am reasonably happy. But it hasnt been and easy road getting to where i am today, i grew up in a broken home with a father who didn't exist apart from when he felt the need to be a father for an hour every couple of years, A step father who loved to be in control and humiliate me and my brother if we were happy he was unhappy and vis versa, a mother who would fight so far then give in as to not loose her so called marriage that was at the end of the day abusive (go figure) Finally having enough i left home at 14 to face the world on my own to find out it was a big and scary place especially being so young and impressionable, I got into the wrong crowd (gangs drugs sex work stripping) to name a few things im not wanting to tell my children, but hey it happened and i have learnt to deal with the things i have done and seen ive put it down to life experience. People helped me out along the way but i wasnt thinking and i shat on them, and i was on my own again trying to be the BIG grown up but really i wasnt, I was a scared child facing demons i didnt no at the time i was facing..It took me a affair with a married man and a pregnancy for me to realized, there was more to life then what i was doing, at that point i stopped doing the things i was doing and tryed to straighten out my life. But in doing this i realized i was a depressed lost child just needing to be loved.
I then met a wonderful man who turned out to be my hubby our relationship was rocking at the start i was high or i was low erratic moods and wanting to argue all the time. is it because that all i new that was my way of communicating yep it was. plus i little thig called bi Polar but this took years and alot of highs and lows to figure this out. and we are still figuring it out i am now on medication and doing ok its early days but me and my family are doing OK.
Look forward to hearing your comment, questions or suggestion if i can help please i am here to share my thought and how i felt and delt with things. i wont have al the answers but you might be able to help me, Some things we cant face on our own we just need a friend (something i lack due to people not understanding Bi Polar.

Hope